Saina Nehwal Just Confirmed That Divorce Doesn't Have To Be Ugly
These days the anger and acrimony, if any, is hidden from the public. Couples zip straight to the 'happier zone'
"Life takes us in different directions sometimes. After much thought and consideration, Kashyap Parupalli and I have decided to part ways. We're choosing peace, growth, and healing-for ourselves and each other. I'm grateful for the memories and wish nothing but the best moving forward. Thank you for understanding and respecting our privacy during this time,"
Saina Nehwal on Instagram
Saina Nehwal just did her bit to normalise a non-acrimonious divorce and I thank her for it. I hope the couple, who were together for seven years, keeps their separation/divorce amicable like many others have done in recent times (thankfully many couples don’t buy vineyards together). These days couples hide their anger and acrimony and behave very zen-like and mature about the whole process. Nehwal just added “peace, growth, and healing” to the updated divorce lexicon. I wrote a piece about The New Rules of Divorce for NDTV a while back, and here are some relevant excerpts from it:
I am fascinated by the way couples—especially women who are, incidentally, the main initiators—navigate divorce. We all know the joke that is India’s low divorce rate (many women suffer a lifetime of ‘togetherness’ with no option to divorce) but these days, those who do get divorced seem to be quite zen about it. It’s different from the ‘I’m leaving you. Don’t make me go back in or I might go out of the window’ decades-old trauma I saw in my first divorce film Kramer vs Kramer.
Actor Natalie Portman quietly exited a marriage of 11 years, apparently after her partner’s infidelity. Nobody discussed the reasons for divorce, the focus was on the children. “Her biggest priority has been ensuring a smooth transition for her children,” a friend told People magazine. “She and Ben (Benjamin Millepied) really love their kids and are equally focused on being the best co-parents they can be. Nothing is more important.”
I’ve read and listened to those who got recently divorced and identified what seem to be some new ways of dealing with this age old issue. Portman likely walked out because of the infidelity, but most people just say they were incompatible.
They say they drifted apart. Changed. Journey shifted. Wanted different things. Individual growth. Got out of a ‘toxic’ situation. Reached a happier zone. Somebody should make a meme of these reasons.
Many couples stay friends in a more natural way than the infamous “conscious uncoupling” popularised by Gwyneth Paltrow a decade ago. When Dia Mirza announced the end of her 5-year marriage in 2019 on social media, the note was signed by both ex-partners. “After 11 years of sharing our lives and being together, we have mutually decided to separate,” they wrote. “We remain friends and will continue to be there for each other with love and respect. While our journeys may lead us down different paths, we are forever grateful for the bond that we share with each other.”
When designer Masaba’s ex-husband remarried, his former mother-in-law Neena Gupta congratulated him under his social media post. Malaika Arora says her ex-husband Arbaaz Khan will always be there for her. When she had a car accident followed by eye surgery in 2022, she said one of the first faces that she saw at the hospital was her Khan’s. “It was very strange. For a second, I was like ‘okay, have I gone back in time?’.”
But the best philosophy has to be from director Kiran Rao, who spoke to journalist Anupama Chopra on being friends with her ex husband’s (Aamir Khan) ex-wife Reena Dutta. “Whenever Reena and I go out together, the cameras go crazy. They’re not even interested in Aamir,” she said. “I’m all for being a poster girl for a modern inclusive family. I’m happy to give tips to anyone who wants to be friends with their ex’s ex wife. We need more people to showing that marriage is a wonderful relationship and people can move on from it and continue their relationship as friends or family or co-parents.”
Getting divorced in the digital age is easier and more difficult. It’s easy to announce it on your terms (one US model broke the news of her breakup when she told a fan who asked her on Tik Tok if she was still in a relationship), but exiting a common digital life requires several extra steps. Meryl Streep could put down her Bloomingdale’s and Amex cards and walk out of the door in Kramer vs. Kramer, but these days, in addition to taking off the ring, and before you reach the point when you can be friends with each other, many people unfollow their exes, delete posts and tags, exit WhatsApp groups, disentangle all their family plans, joint subscriptions and fitness sharing.
As for Streep, she began living-in with Don Gummer during the making of Kramer vs Kramer and married him six months later. After 45 years of togetherness, it was reported last year that the couple had been separated for six years. No reasons were given. None were needed.
In a country where people leave no stone unturned to highlight divorces of couples, who preferred love marriage over arranged marriage. This is good opportunity for them to justify their system of arranged marriage as stable. But when such divorcing couples decide to separate while still keep loving each other then they have actually chosen the method of eagle to fly above clouds to save themselves from rains. Osho too advocated such relationships as far better than marriages because both preferred to allow freedom of the other over relationship.
I have also observed that in Indian courts divorce cases of couples married under love marriage are cleared with high speed, while divorce cases of arranged marriage couples were delayed by even 20 years! Just to show that love marriages are most unstable while more cases were and are filed by couples of arranged marriage.
I think society perpetuates this stereotype that divorces have to be ugly and we see so many examples. One of my closest friend and her husband decided to seperate and then got divorced because the marriage was not making them happy and today after 2 years they are the best co-parents to their daughter together. Their child knows that both her parents love her a lot and her happiness is their prime concern even if they are not a couple together.
When they both walk into a room together, most people expect drama and look at them with wonder because they really are there for each other. We need more examples like these around us.